Friday, February 1, 2008

Week 36: Quick update

This is more of an emotional update than anything else. I'm still in disbelief that I'm within three weeks of my due date. I have some ambivalence about the upcoming birth-day. In many ways I’m really glad that I don’t have much more time to incubate this little guy because he seems to be growing at an exponential rate now. My appetite has increased—“doubled” is accurate—in just the past few weeks, and I still can’t get over the circumference of my midsection!

Aside from these physical changes, there are other shifts going on. Once I crossed over the T minus two months mark, I started to feel panicky. Being under two months drove that point home all the more that this *is* going to happen. Everything I thought about suddenly revolved around this monumental event. I felt an overwhelming desire to begin to organizing everything I could. Got that bag packed? Got those newborn clothes washed and ready? Have enough diapers? Things is--checking these things off the list didn’t really make me feel all that better. A little better, but not significantly.

I realized that I just had to face the big pink elephant. Even though we have been to (literally) 40+ hours of childbirth education classes, several sessions of prenatal yoga classes, and read through stacks of books, the fact is I’m scared out of my wits. It drives me crazy that there is no way of knowing anything, that it is all spontaneous! As the weeks tick on, I am reminded that there is no getting out of this. (Don't get me wrong, I want the baby, just don't want to push him out. :-) ) Little by little, other happenings are decreasing my patience and making me stronger to face the music, and the contractions. I'm getting so uncomfortable. I have frequent low pressure. I sleep poorly. I'm short of breath. I am in a perpetual state of fatigue. And the list goes on. And then, I remember that all of that will "go away" once I just face up to what's coming and get through it. It's not forever. Plus, the reward on the "other side" is going to be so amazing. A few days ago, I felt something giving way. Was it my stubbornness? Was my will to fight ceding? I noticed that a sense of acceptance is starting to work its way into my psyche. Where this comes from I have no idea. Suppose it's just knowing that the delivery is imminent is forcing me to deal with my fears and concerns.

In the meantime I've begun to take stock in and really enjoy all of life's little moments that will change the moment little baby Vinciquerra takes his first breath. No more lounging around at night without a care, no more willy nilly schedule (should we eat at 6 or 9?), no more periods of silence in the house that could last hours. I'm fine with all of these things changing, but I wanted to revel in them for the last few times before they really do change, because I think that I have underestimated how much I appreciate them. Don't mistake me. There's no trace of lament in my voice here. All of these things will come back one day. This, I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm just trying to just live in the moment right now, not wanting to wish away these last few weeks and yet at the same time looking forward to the extraordinary moment when life will change forever with the birth of our child.


Judy MSM said...

Hi Lizzy...I have no words of wisdom! Now there will be four people to cheer Joe on during his Iron Man competitions...and finally a guy! Childbirth is something matter how old your child is...a newborn or a fifty year's still amazing. You look good...always do. Suddenly it all comes together. Wow! Oh well. All our love.

Anonymous said...

Lizzy: my thoughts are and will be with you you will get through this with the best coach in the world-he will be right by your side and once you see and hold your son minutes after birth-you will never forget that moment it is the most beautiful miracle in this world and he is all yours. My love to all of you Mom V.