Friday, February 6, 2009

False teeth... already?

While Jonas has surely had his fair share of teething woes in the past few months--this week's no exception--he's not the only one. I've had some serious issues of my own, making me eager to get to the dentist very soon. "Eager" and "dentist" are two words that I never put together in the same sentence.

Months ago I scheduled a big dentist appointment for this coming week to address a major problem. Ironically, it's just in time, since I developed another problem with a completely different tooth last week! I'm guessing that by the time the dentist's through with me, I'm going to be outfitted with these handsome gems.

(A replica of George Washington's teeth)

One of the many costs of motherhood is the toll that the new little bundle of joy exacts on your teeth! It's not hard to see how this happens: you're exhausted, you barely eat, you fall asleep mid-sentence, so maybe you skip a flossing every now and again. Is it really that bad? I mean, in light of all the other demands on a new mother, this one doesn't seem like it should be at the top of the list.

Or, maybe it wasn't the flossing that caused my misfortune, perhaps there's another explanation. Could it be that every last trace of calcium has been leached from my pearly whites thanks to a year of breast-feeding? I suppose, then, we come 'round to my being negligent in taking my vitamins regularly. I know they say this is important, but, honestly, there were two months when I was eating 4 bowls of cereal a day, and maybe dinner. Vitamins were secondary among my priorities.

Actually, I suspect the cause goes back much further, and that this is just the latest round of dental penitence that I have been ordered to suffer through. To be honest, I've had issues with my teeth most of my life. In addition to thanking my parents for giving me soft teeth, I'd really like to thank my childhood dentist for ruining them. He filled my teeth with so much amalgam back then, that I can't get through the metal detectors at that airport without setting off the alarm! It's fabulous. And, did I mention that my childhood dentist was arrested for cocaine possession? Yeah, no joke. That makes me wonder if my parents actually ever saw his dental school diploma with their own eyes... I promise, Jonas, we'll do a thorough background check for you.

To make matters worse, as I'm aging, I'm encountering more complications as a result of having had my teeth drilled out like swiss cheese and plugged with fillings. Nice little problems like my teeth cracking or breaking. Why the hell did I suffer through all those fluoride treatments in the elementary school cafeteria? Was that really fluoride? Were they secretly testing something on us?

Well, at the moment, all I can do is wait... wait til it's my turn to sit in that chair (medieval torture device). In the meantime I'll try to think "sunny thoughts", something my mom used to tell me as a child. So, my sunny thought is to think about Jonas. Right now, Jonas has 7 healthy, white, whole teeth. All he has to do is work on sprouting more. Hopefully, he'll be lucky, and he'll inherit the genes for the hardness of Joe's teeth and the straightness of mine. If's he's got rotten luck, then he'll get soft, popcorn teeth. I'll cross my fingers, Jonas, for the former.

Meanwhile, I'd better say a few prayers for my own and go take 3 more tylenol.

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